Proposition 8: Coming to Theaters Everywhere!

Mr. Cooper Pitches the Apocalypse on 6/16/10

Dear Diary,

It's the latest in a spate of blockbuster disaster movies: Apollo 13, Ocean's 11, District 9, and now Proposition 8.

Here at the big press conf. in Hollywood North I sat with my fellow film critic Dolores Flores as producer Chuck Cooper (with a bald center part-job) pitched his new movie concept to studio exec VR Walker, head of Federal Studios.

It's an apocalyptic plot--set in a parallel future 2012, in an era of "pre-marital fertility testing" where society is glued together with a security device called MRIG. The USA is hit by a fast-spreading virus from the EU, called SSM1, or The Purple Plague, which will unleash a "host of social consequences," eroding MRIG, ending procreation, and threatening the very "existence and survival of the human race."

CC: (with a raspy, Bill Clinton-ish voice) Picture the war room from Dr. Strangelove, with a giant world map. The virus is spreading, like a tidal wave of lavendar ooze, melting the "core procreative element" from Denmark to Amsterdam, Belgium! Spain! Canada! South Africa! Norway! Sweden! Portugal! Iceland! Then it jumps the Atlantic and hits the Northeastern seaboard of the U.S.--New Hampshire, Massachusettes, Vermont, Connecticut. When the virus attacks the bread basket, air raid sirens go off in an Iowa cornfield--think The War of the Worlds--and the National Guard joins forces with Slovenia to stop this plague!

VW: What names are confirmed on the project?

CC: Well, because of the economy we've had to scale down, but we've got some big money backers, the Mormon Church and other "pro-creative" interests--

VR: But who's named?

CC: Okay, we've got one big star, Arnold Schwartzenegger, great name recognition, looks fabulous in a girdle...

VR: Isn't he tied up with another disaster flick set in Sacramento?

CC: Yeah, but his people say they'll be wrapping it up real soon, by the end of June, or at least before the summer's over...

VR: Very well, who else?

CC: Okay, Kris Perry, think Jamie Lee Curtis, but a little stocky, great dimples, relatively unknown, but has a proven appeal for a certain demographic...and then there's Sandy Spier, think Linda Hamilton in a skirt, with a machine gun and go-go boots, a newcomer to the scene, femmie, but savvie--

VR: So this is a chick flick?

CC: Hell, no! We've got a pair of hunks, one of 'em's kinda Latino or Italianish...think John Leguizamo with Tom Cruise...all the actors are here today...

VR: Is Schwartzenegger present?

CC: No, sir, but his agent is here.

VR: (to agent) Can you confirm his involvement?

AGENT: My client has no comment.

VR: How will intelligent viewers find the plot plausible? Is this virus based on anything scientific?

CC: Yes, this mutable, or immutable, whatever, virus is based on a futuristic historical fiction by D. Blankenhorn, who says that "the threat [of SSM1] is too daunting" to ignore because of the "risk." He says "no one can know [what the consequences will be]." We're hoping to get Rush Limbaugh to do a cameo of Blankenhorn as an alarmist talk jock.

VR: Have others given warnings about this plague?

CC: Oh, many others, but most of them are currently in hiding because of the threat to their lives.

VR: What is the rating?

CC: It is rated "R" to protect even high school children from the horror of the "irresponsibility of pro-creation with a third party." If MRIG were to get into the wrong hands, it could be destroyed, and without it, "society could come to an end."

VR: Will this be CGI'd?

CC: 27 explosions.

VR: Cool! Sex scenes?

CC: Hot girl-on-girl-guy-on-guy action!

VR: How does that work?

CC: More CGI!

VR: Cool! I'll have to get approval from the big boys at Supreme Studios, but I'm giving it a thumbs-up. Let's push for a release date of Christmas, 2012.