Marriage Without Borders

The Final Prop. 8 Witness

Dear Diary,

Hot from a Cowboy Lounge performance at the Freight & Salvage, I unzipped my go-go boots, awoke in the dark, and grabbed a crumpled purple something draped over a chair. My companion put on his belt in the elevator between the 11th and 17th floors, and we made the front of the line. Good thing, as it was lawyers three rows deep to hear David Blankenhorn testify on The Future of Marriage.

After both sides rested, Judge Vaughn Walker congratulated them on the case being "extremely well presented," and Mr. Boies strode down the courtroom aisle like Atticus Finch. I told him I was a fan, and he shook my hand, and said, "It's nice to see you again," as I'd been part of his winning team on United States v. Microsoft. By the elevators I also thanked the blond plaintiff, whose lifestyle so resembled mine she coulda been me, had I chosen to go gay the second time round.

Yesterday, browsing at Half Price Books downtown before going on stage, I saw that the LGBT section had expanded to LGBTQ, and I wondered why we couldn't just use the all-inclusive Q, and my companion mused that to be truly inclusive, straits would have to be added, too, as LGBTQS. Of course, the acronym LGBT always brings to mind a Lettuce, Bacon, Tomato sandwich, now with Garbanzo, Salsa, and ... Quince? Only in the Gourmet Ghetto.

Blankenhorn wore an egg-yolk tie and got some egg on his face. Most notably, he put forth his "Rule of 2" for marriage: each "I do" is two at a time. Now, you can marry five wives sequentially without violating the Rule of Two. It's not a "group marriage" if each ceremony is separate. SERIOUSLY???

Poor, blustering Blankenhorn couldn't accept the concept of testifying versus debating. I could'a been in the studio audience of The O'Reilly Factor. At one point, Mr. Boies pressed for a "yes" or "no" answer, and the witness pouted, "If you're gonna make me choose between those two words!" Yes or No--liberal taunts to taint the tongue blue! Blankenhorn said, "I'd rather tell you what my views are than have you put them in my mouth." Didn't he know he was here to answer questions? Mr. Boies appealed to the bench, and the Judge was rubbing his temples by 9:30 AM. After one particularly ridiculous repartee, Blankenhorn practically cried, "This is not a laughing matter!" and the Judge explained in his most comforting voice, "Mr. Boies is not laughing at you--he's amused at the back and forth...as many of us are!" We took a morning break, maybe to let out the giggles, and my men's room spy tells me the witness was so nervous he couldn't pee.

Mr. Boies started up and said, "I don't want to fall into the trap of making sex boring" and Blankenhorn said, "Maybe together we can do that." The courtroom erupted, and the witness turned red, realizing what he'd said.

[Oh! Must run to hear Todd Sickafoose with Tiny Resistors at the Jazzschool. To be continued...]

When asked about the fact that all of the APAs have endorsed SSM, the defendants' expert said it was the "lobbyists" and "leadership groups" of these associations. What? And when asked whether Maggie Gallagher, a leading opponent of gay marriage, was a scholar, he said that, yes, she was an "intellectually serious person." Oh, you mean the "dictionary definition" of scholar?

Okay, so here's the lowdown on how traditional marriage has always been. Blankenhorn says 83% of societies permit polygamy and prior to 100 years ago, India and China did, too. Then he talked about "polyandry," which is when a woman sequentially marries two brothers, and then "man-boy marriage" for African warriors. (My sister and I dated two sets of brothers--I wonder what that's called?) Anyway, his description of same-sex initiation rites for boys in Papa New Guinea was the best erotica I've heard in a while!

So, if marriage is "our society's most pro-child institution," who is weakening it? It didn't start with the same-sexers, but with those self-absorbed DINKies, who reaped all the benefits without populating a homestead. Blame those quiet, selfish heteros with sharp coffee tables and flower-filled vases. Why shouldn't gay couples get the same rights as DINKs--cream-colored carpets, and health benefits, too?